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Milk Tray Man

'And all because the Lady loves Milk Tray...'

How many times have you heard that line, the advertising slogan from the Cadbury's adverts for Milk Tray chocolates? And if you're female, I psychically know exactly what you were thinking, 'Wow, a gorgeous man - who dives off cliffs - to bring me chocolates - double whammy!' There can be no doubt, that a handsome, sexy man, who will go to any death-defying lengths to please us with some delicious chocolates, is the man of our dreams, the kind of dreams we'd like repeating at specific viewing hours to ensure we're ready and drifting. He cast love spells over the women of this nation, and we are still feeling the effects. No wonder the advertising campaign lasted from 1967 until 2000. From the earliest fairy tales, first told hundreds of years ago, to modern chick lit, there's not a fabled hero who quests more valiantly nor more seductively, than the Milk Tray Man. Tall, dark and mysterious, we are never told what the story is between the woman that is worth any price to please, (she stands for us all, the advertisers knowing they're fulfilling a fantasy never to be realised, where do we find a sensational man, who will brave all to bring us our chocolate fix) and is sleek, midnight handsomeness himself. But we can dream and we did, it was us, us (!) he was wooing, we were the woman for whom he quested and left the rose and chocolates on the pillow, our hearts to seduce, to meet the avalanche of dark passions we had inadvertently kindled in that black and broad, sexy silhouette of our hero. A man too good to be true, a man so perfect he would endure any ghastly trial, just to please us with a quick bit of taste bud heaven. It never occurred to us, that a man that would dive from a cliff to bring us 1 lb. of milk chocolates, swim through a twilight, shark infested ocean to our yacht, his wet jumper sexily soaked to those Heathrow-runway-wide shoulders, just to bring us chocs, was indeed crazed with love, the active word being 'crazed,' a care in the community request urgently needed. Sexy and psychotic was nearer the mark. But when your lunatic is that gorgeous, who cares if he dribbles while quacking like a confused hippo, it's the gorgeousness that counts and his spectacular efforts to endear his rugged and oh so tempting charms.

man & shark
This 'deadly white tooth shark', had an hissy fit when it wasn't allowed any of my Milk Tray Chocs

The love god of most of the campaign's adverts was actor Gary Myers, a heart throb to beat any heart throb. Tall, beautifully built, lusciously dark, handsome enough to make any girl or woman weep with frustration and clutch her TV set to her with the rabid, love sick frenzy of a hormonal rabbit, this is one man who should be cloned. The government should clone him, surely no waste of tax payer’s money, to ensure the mental and emotional health of the women of this nation. Lobby your M.P. now girls, to arms! Together we can do this. A campaign should and must be begun, to save the NHS many billions in treating the devastating affliction that curses womankind. You know what I'm talking about, you hear women whisper on every bus, train, shopping queue and whispered phone call, 'I-can't -find-a-decent-man-itis.' Women complain about men all the time, and truthfully, there is so much for them to get disgruntled about, they even find their lives are cut short when they marry. But here is a man that solves all that, he's perfect, he never talks, not even to complain, he just serves our every and smallest desire. Clone that man now!

The Cadbury's advertising campaign made the associations clear, chocolate, sex and romance, if your man loves you, he'll give you milk tray, the adverts seemed to suggest. And we believed it. But hang on a minute, aren't the women of this country 98% of the time on a calorie controlled, low carb diet, so what was the real story? Did she leave her shower, just missing his pulse-racing trip, a rose in his teeth to bestow his all, while she, a fluffy towel rapped round her tanned cleavage, padded over to the bed and checked which soft centres could be fitted into her weight watchers diet points? Or did she save them to give to her aged aunt at Christmas, tutting to herself and thinking, 'Men! They never get it right,' as she shoved the chocolates into a cupboard, along with the rubber duck he'd leapt off the Eiffel tower to plant on her head the previous week? So how did she respond, are they now as we speak, married and living in some alpine chalet, just so he can dashingly ski off to deliver her more Milk Tray on their anniversaries? NB, is she now toothless and 42 stone, is he a control freak who loves her to be at his constant command? But she's so hooked like a cocaine addict, blissed out on chocolate endorphins, she's past caring, just pass her the Milk Tray fast, or she'll chew your arm as a substitute? Like Mr. Rochester's secret wife in the attic, is she now secreted away, chocolate smeared all over her many chins, smiling toothlessly and forgetting to rattle her chains and scream dementedly, only when she's sucking a strawberry fondant? And what kind of man would be happy with to induce this situation - only a sadistic control freak of the warped order of a Hitler or Mussolini. So now the Milk Tray Man is unmasked, he is evil, he wishes to enslave with the delicious narcotic addiction of fudge whirl. We've got your number sunny Jim, but incase you didn't catch mine, it's 0207 366 2104, here let me tattoo it on your arm Milk Tray Man, you're all a woman could wish for, however warped, twisted, psychotic, depraved or mad, mad, mad, you may indeed really be. The new concept behind Milk Tray chocolates is, 'It is love with a lighter touch, a spontaneous token of affection.' But don't they know, we were totally seduced by the Milk Tray Man, we don't want a 'lighter touch,' we want to get to grapple with him now - silk sheets an optional extra. Never before or since have chocolates got our pulses racing at sonic speed. While the new tag line from Cadbury's for Milk Tray is "Now with extra mmm and ahh!" but don't you realise Cadbury's, the Milk Tray Man had far more "mmm" and "ahhh," not to mention "phwoar," "corr" and "yummy," than anything you've had to say since. Why don't all men copy this symbol of male perfection, the Milk Tray Man, when they wish to please? I can psychically predict boys, it's a sure fire winning formula! I'll reach for a chocolate and think about it, though psychic, it may take some time and many, many chocolates. Milk Tray Man, please come back... we want you.


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